World Cocoon

if you think the reason i avoid eye contact and creating new art and  physical contact and washing and work related hours and food and clothing is all due to skyrim then obviously you are wrong because i also masturbate and watch wrestling.

i had a dog and i left him home then he ran away and i met some chick in a pub and she was gnarly so i boxed her and slugged the shit out of her and knocked her out and i wound up marrying her anyway, i kept my place cause i need man time alone in a video game but her place is better even tho she is some crazy warrior chick and im a cat man. did i mention im a cat man? im a cat man. and i know spellllllllllllls.

once again, while releasing a poo, i have solved the world’s problems; as our population grows as numerous as the machines that replace them as workers, the ‘war’ on jobs must become a real one. We must fight the machines before they rise up, like terminators or the soda machine from maximum overdrive. If you are anti-war like i am, there is a better solution. We must add cybernetic parts to make ourselves better and take these jobs back from the machines. I beg some wealthy wide eyed high concept visionary to step into steve jobs’ slot in the assembly line of brilliance and fund the ‘occupy’ people to get these cyber-implants. the time is now. love jabby.

if they ever make a biopic about the excellent Victor Wong, which will probably happen after they remake every film he has been in, the part of Victor Wong should def be played by the Yoda puppet from Empire Strikes Back + Return of the Jedi (and not the awful CGI yoda from the other movies).

i just don’t like you. go away.

nooo im kidding. youre great.

just incase you were wondering, yes a new tv is enough to keep me from doing any posts for a half month because a- time goes by faster when you are older, and b- hd is fucking awesome. oh well.

heres something, using the laws of magic id like to let you naysayers know that even if i dont post for a day, if i do two instances of weirdness in another post then it counts.

so anyway today i was getting fuel for my car because i got paid because it is friday and if you have no fuel in your car it doesnt go anywhere and some lady put blue rubber doctor gloves on (2×2 hands of blue) to pump the gas. when she was done she took them off and threw them in the trash next to where i was pumpin’ it like a champion. weird. it wouldnt be as weird if i coulda figured out if she was actually a woman.

IM GOING TO PLAY CALL OF DUTY NOW.

oh wait – vote for me for a shorty award for other because apparently none of my friends have the time to.

Nominate Jab for a social media award in the Shorty Awards

i came back from tv shopping yesterday with a new tv! who knew. i only have to live on 6 dollars for 5 days. this will not work out, i can tell you this now. at 5 tomorrow i will be eating 5 dollars worth of taco bell and the rest of the week i will be licking old taco bell wrappers and picking dry cat food from my cat’s whiskers for a snack.

speaking of, as i came home with my much lighter than my last tv tv, i noticed something…that’s right, weird, all over my snowy blanketed lawn. i do not know what it is, but i do love guessing games, so have fun and guess away. now, this stuff was all over the front yard. at first it looked like it was a trail from my door to the driveway, but as i looked around it kind of went in every direction, like an exploded blue jay trying to trick someone into following it. it was red, and it was meaty, and it freaked me out. i went in to find my cat and couldnt find him which freaked me out more, but the asshole was just hiding under my bed. jerk. anyway here’s a pic.

so yeah that stuff was everywhere and still is.

today my boss told me i should do something about my ear hair, which i didnt deny. i cut it often, but as i get older i dont care more often, and listen i never really cared to begin with, so you can imagine. actually, you dont have to imagine, cause i wanted to see and i dont look in mirrors because they remind me that i hate myself.

do you see that thatchy bunny tail coming out of my ear? now imagine what the rest of my body looks like. Sweet dreams!

lets get the first weirdness out of the way – i got a warning from my job for being out too many times. i was out 8 times. this is weird cause i was sure i was out 16 or so. brilliant.

so, from two days ago the weirdness was that z-z-z-zodiac shit that was going around and i fell for it just like everybody else did, except mine stayed the same (taurus, the mighty bull with a large member and excellent verbal skills) so you know the shit was made up by a taurus. awesome.

whats funny is that people were really getting upset about their signs changing, which i thought was, you know, stupid. i mean weird. since its all nonsense anyway. yup, like the people that believe in it i also like to flip open to my shit and read it and go ‘omg thats soooo me i AM a good friend and i will fight back when im up against the wall’  but in the end it all seems like one of those fucking horrible ‘i talk to ghosts your father/grandma/puppy/turtle is here with me’ ; just being general and vague enough to slip by and feed the ego like the trojan horse. theyre like the computer viruses of the brain and the heart, youll just let them in cause you thought it would be a kitten pic but it ends up destroying your hard drive. and so on and other mixed metaphors.

so i figure ill just change my sign anyway. i asked a friend that loves milk to choose a new one for me and she chose libra, which i like because she doesnt realize libra is a comic book character, tho im betting evey sign is the name of a comic book character. whatever. heres my new hororscope –

Keep on going — you are on the right track and you know it. Confidence is growing.

yay! this is so much better! finally.

oh here’s my old taurus one.

Create a new tactic for dealing with your busy days by rearranging your priorities.

these really seem like parts of the same sentence.

after being on stupid facebook five minutes it was obvious what today’s weirdness would be.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110113/us_yblog_thelookout/earths-wobble-means-your-zodiac-sign-may-be-wrong

the sun came up the other day and dragged the clouds along behind it, signalling another wonderful day.. it went quickly enough without drama or event. i ate burritoes and when i got home the video game i had been waiting for was there waiting for me. it loaded up fine and i played it.

the next day there was a snowstorm. i got off work but still was paid for it. i slept in late drank coffee and ate another burrito. when i got ready to shovel the piles of snow some guys came and did it for some money while i sat playing video games. the day went great. it was the weirdest 2 days ever.

so i’m leaving for work for some reason and to get to work i drive a car so im driving this car i own down the street. my radio is garbage so it stopped working probably so god didnt have to hear people complain that i was listening to drake and enjoying it, which might be true. because of this crappy radio not working i have to drive in silence which lasts about 3 minutes and then i start singing obscenities to myself which lasts until i pull up next to a lip reader. then the fun begins. anyway, silent car equals silence, but for some reason im hearing children scream and a dog barking. this usually doesnt end up turning out well so i look and see a tiny tiny tiny ass dog chasing my car and keeping pace with it. this was that most hardcore fucking mexican dog ive even seen and im glad it didnt totally catch up with me cause it probobly woulda popped my tire before it’s head got crushed. this tiny dog was badass and fast, and got bored with me at the end of the street. it ruled.

oh hey answer a question for me? why do condors look like theyre made out of ball skin?