I’m old. Older. Older than I was when I thought I would always be young. The only way I can keep track of this age I’ve reached and the time passing me by is by looking at the lives of everyone around me. Marriages were the theme of the 2000’s and the Tens seem to have life and death holding hands and making out in front of me while I sit uncomfortably in the backseat wondering if they’d notice if I snuck out and called someone (Sean most likely) to pick me up. I hope its not past ten. I wonder if taco bell is open.
Of course they’d notice. Of course- because that’s why they make out in the front seat, besides for the pleasure of making out – it’s the story of them making out; with two people/entities/ metaphors making out in the front seat with nobody else there, its boring (to everyone else). With the third wheel in the back seat, it’s a story. A cringey, scandalous story you cant unforgetmember ever. Greaaaaaat. I’ll never get the sounds of stirred mac and cheese out of my scarred mind.
The 0’s and tens? (yeah awful) were/are and continue to be all about the story. The pimp, the product, the ME. The bastard evolution of the me me me 80s and the mega me me flash it off 90s. The 0010s have no other choice, it has to be about me. Nobody wants to be lost anymore, and if you cant tell a story, you can tell someone your opinion on the story. You can show yourself doing something. You cant stop telling people. Were all in the backseat now. Everybody is a celebrity. Yeah we all know. we’ve all known it for years, and now that we are all people we hate, the real ones we hate (celebs) have to step it up a notch. The underpantsless girls I wish I knew ten years ago (and by that I mean I wish they were this age ten years ago, geez)…maybe they need lower tinted windows as they get out…are old school has been who cares at this point. Whose vagina haven’t we seen? This is probably a good thing, because nobody is shocked at a girls vagina anymore and that should be how it has always been. it’s a vagina. Its awesome. Move on. The only vagina we should be shocked at is Chyna’s, because her clitoris is so huge it just needs to be looked at and appreciated. I’m not going to show it to you, you need to search it out for yourself. Make yourself the mix tape, lazy.
As these girls aim high like a party girl Icarus to inevitably fall into a) jail, b) vd clinic c) rehab d) casket e) stable relationship happy marriage child responsibility book deal, our eyes begin to glaze over as we wait and multitask looking for the new thing. It will come, in some form some will claim to have expected but never announced, an unforeseen but natural progression from the chaos before into natural evolution we all should have seen coming.
While this continues to twist its dna and shift its cellular shape, I did some carbon dating and looked back at the fabric of these girls to what could have sent them along this path, ala winehouse was begat by Paris who was began by Lindsay who was begat by Tara. And I think I have found the common denominator. The missing link. The monolith. And it is from the future. It is Futurama’s Amy Wong.
Amy Wong is a college-aged Martian/Asian/Earthikin on TV’s Futurama, one of the best shows of all time past and future. Its above average in the present. Amy may not be the original party girl (that would be Drew Barrymore, -HACKY JOKE ALERT- I think ET gave her the first beer, or vice versa ) but Amy is important. She might be the first celebupartyskankgirl that its OK to be, that its ok to look up to and was the seed for our current crop of special ladies. She is a cartoon after all, and cartoons, bless em, can do whatever they want. Who doesn’t want to be a cartoon? For Fox’s stupidity (what?) they put a brainy, mature and yeah, naughty show in a 7:30 slot. A slot for kiddies. Good going Fox. Meanwhile, the celebutrampicons of today were young impressionable malleable unwatched moneybags who, may not have been allowed to watch anything else than master Disney’s propaganda, but while the lights were off (this time) they’d be watching naughty cartoons like Futurama, and seeing a role model in Amy Wong. None of them turned out to be pilots or delivery boys, it seems.
Amy has all the things that make a knownmegaculturetrashatant, the age – college going, perfect for acceptable partying and blind-eyed Lauren tomfoolery (oof). She’s well known across the universe, her family, the mars wongs, are rich and famous, and their money is vast. She can afford to make mistakes and she’s old enough to make her own. She carries with her that rough but sexy tomboy attitude, an engineering intern/student before whedon put it in the flesh with the also sexy. She is promiscuous, at least by our standards, bedding all types of taboo lover that would make a father drink; men much older than her (by a thousand years), men of different race (green), and appliance (robot). Again, this is not lost on the youth and their own daddy issues, when it turns up they are having a good time on video and looking…green and blue…via the night cam.
Kroker envy?
Wongabees?
Just a thought.
