World Cocoon

yessssss my computey is anus.

here’s that comic. i was going to put it up as an excuse me comic but fuck it.

totally worth it, isnt it?

oh, and heres this.

and finally in the weird wtf category, i know i wanted to address the insanity of editing mark twain (after following his wishes that they not publish his autobiography for 100 years). youd think theyd start the eventual overprotecting of americans (free speech anyone? thats the first amendment, right?) with something like this:

i mean geez half of it is right there on the cover.

tom sawyer has been around how long now? if they start fucking with the rush song im gonna be pissed.

i hate to be a usual uri, but if it seems like im mining the work mine for 365 days of weird, its because I SPEND ALL OF MY FUCKING LIFE THERE. so eat it.

anyway i was to post a comic here (a what???) detailing a special individual i met today but i have to find a way to not make it take 10 minutes to load on the page, and not fall asleep. fuck you, sleep wins. you get two tomorrow, and theyre both gonna be work related hahahahahahaha.

today’s journey into weird/not weird is kind of an easy one. not filler, just a no brainer. today i’m going to take the time to share with you few devoted few readers a man known only as east side dave (this is a lie he is also known by his real name). i am nominating this fellow for a shorty (sort of like the twitter awards) in the category of weird (see theres the connection) because it belongs to him. he is not weird in the classical sense, but in a weird beautiful sense. i urge you to vote for him as well via twitter. you can find the rules and stuff HERE. last year he was beaten by some cute chick who was a giraffe or some shit. dont let this happen again!

is what the little girl said, and got all excited when mommy said yes. then she showed her brother, also young, who wanted to see the angels. That poor kid is gonna be soo tortured by his sister.

anyway, you’d think i’d have given up on the weird year, 365 days of weird, but the weirdness will never stop, even if i have to make things seem weirder than they actually are, like finding a strange piece of paper crammed in a shelf.

now if you don’t think that’s weird, as i type this the knicks are beating the spurs. now THATS some fucked up crazy shit.

oh, and i guess also ITS THE END OF THE WORLD!

working in a bookstore is like working in a dusty place that strange people want to wander around. i know everyone has things that are peculiar, things that are strange, but when books are concerned, these inky smelly awesome rectangles are batsignals to the mental. its kind of awesome, sometimes annoying, but mostly interesting.

take today’s customer of the day; an older lady that looked normal on first glance, but then as she passed me lifted her arms up and started mumbling to herself, ‘oooooooh, oooooooooh’.

i drew a picture of her on my break.

morning wise was a collosal deflation to my sense of personal renewable energy as i had none. ok, yes i played a little too much call of duty yesterday, but scientists have not really figured out how much call of duty is too much call of duty. theyve figured out how much mmo playing is too much, cause, you know, those kids either died from being up too long or killing themselves cause someone took their imaginary vorpal sword. well fuck them, i fell asleep at 9:30 and dc universe doesnt come out for 9 days. ill stay up and kill myself then, and itll be worth it cause dc universe is gonna be awesome. i know i made a resolution not to say awesome anymore, but its too awesome of a word not to say. unless someone wants to pony up some dough to send me to volcabulary rehab, too bad. made ill start a kickstarter for it.

today’s weird comes in a pair. some might say its weird that two things happened on the second day of the year, but those people are assholes.

you know how there was a blizzard? and then a bee? now there is fog. thick, ass nasty fog. like a smoky moaty grandpa munster magic potion mr wizard fucked with. the nothing.

this is some crazy ass fog. it kind of freaked me out. then it only got worse as i drove to work.

this pic doesnt really convey how god damn foggy it was, but picture the beginning of tales from the darkside taking place in the movie the mist. then thats sort of it but add some sort of smoke. crazy funky. could barely see where i was going. pretty fun actually.

at work i stood there thinking about the kind of druid i would be playing as in a pathfinder game. i decided i kind of wanted a bear as my familiar, as simply they are nature’s soulless killing machines. later on, i was writing down a description of a book i was looking for, and it had a bear of the cover. i wrote ‘bear’ on a piece of paper, and the power in the building went out with a tremendous POP. i blame satan, and chalk it up to another day in the 365 days of weird.

i woke up to this new year thing, there were flying cars, and rehydrated pizzas and everything really sucked. yes, i woke up to back to the future II. When i really woke up i just played call of duty black ops for a few hours and smiled to myself, making sure i noticed i was smiling to myself.

When i finally came out of the cocoon, when my stomach merped then gurgled then growled, when i threw jeans on over my pajamas and headed for pizza, i realized that things just get weirder. life just gets more out of control no matter how hard we hold the joystick.

There was a serious new year’s weird on my windsheild in the soul of a bee sitting there, just kind of minding his own business. I don’t like bees, and my first reaction of course was to hit my wipers and drag yellow black lines across the glass. But stopping to take in the situation i realized he shouldnt even be in this cold to begin with. there had just been a blizzard!! but he was that icarus bee; too eager to get out with just that little sense of warm he was ready to take on the world. He woke up early and over new year’s resolved not to sleep as much. This new year the bee would be proactive. I would let him live.

But first i had to check to see if he was alive, didn’t i? I stared. his little bee legs wiggled about, tho he stayed stationary on my window. Was the cold putting him back to sleep? Was he dropping the resolution so soon? Given bee years he was holding strong longer than any of us.

My stomach gurgled and bounced. I drove off.

The bee stayed with me the four minute drive to the pizza place. On my return to the car he was still there but facing a different direction. This is when i realized he was stuck to the glass. Even if he wanted to go back home, he couldnt.

I drove home, watching he wiggle around in a circle. As i pulled up to my house he finally twisted free, and either fell or flew away. Id like to imagine he flew off, telling the bees it was time to play, and of his journey, and how they shouldnt fly in my bedroom window during the summer.

This is the first day of weird, and i suspect there will be 364 more to follow. Please contribute to the 365 days of weird in your own way. i suspect this could be the weirdest year ever.

Here we go again folks, another year in the past. this one was sort of kind of boring with bits of good and bad. hoping for a positive non-sad event 2011.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Woke up refreshed. Made a game plan. Played a ps3. Went to an exciting knick game. Took a paid week’s vacation.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Absolutely! Last year i said i would spend all my money on videogames and food, and i sure as hell did.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! the first of many to come.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Again, this year had a bunch of really tough losses, some close to me and some i planned to get close to and some close to those i were close with, and they all hurt to think about.
5. What countries did you visit?
this year really coulda been last year.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
actually its kind of the same as last year.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the day i realized i could step back.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting that god damn sleep apnea machine.

9. What was your biggest failure?
heh.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
actually it kinda stepped up a little!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
sushi sushi sushi

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

that baseball dude who said he didnt need money.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
easily the same as last year.

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, pills, food and comics

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing the knicks/celtics game lol

16. What songs will always remind you of 2010?
well, here are my top ten listened to songs of 10 as determened by my last.fm scrobbler.

ryan adams – hallelujah
Notorious b.i.g. – sky’s the limit
sonic youth – wish fulfillment
x-ray-spex – i live off you
notorious b.i.g. – goin back to cali
dirty projectors/bjork – on and ever onward
nas – represent
rush – tom sawyer
notorious b.i.g. – mo money mo problems
ryan adams – beautiful sorta

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
def more art.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
not searched

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
already spent it. was i supposed to do this earlier or something?

21. the average age of the people i work with.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
started out positive but went south quick. went into a funk and then came back strong and ready to get into something great.

23. How many one night stands?
nooooooooone

24. What were your favourite TV programmes?
psych

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
haha no my hate kept a rollin

26. What was the best book you read?
superfuckers.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
dirty projectors, drake.

28. What did you want and get?
a break! the ability to sleep and wake up refreshed.

29. What did you want and not get?
so much.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
prob machete.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
had a delicious peanut butter ice cream cake.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
superpowers

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
my shirt stayed on more. also lots of jeans with lots of holes.

34. What kept you sane?
fishbone, and somehow…myself.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
that girl from those hundai ads.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

people says the tax cuts keep the economy alive tho its done nothing to keep it alive since it started.

37. Who did you miss?
bolivia and linder and julie and all my friends since i never see them as much

38. Who was the best new person you met?

prob my new workmate

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
fight.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Blossom for me rose
You’re the picture of my love
Blossom for me rose
Stretch out underneath the stars
And when tomorrow comes
I will hold you up
Little blossom, shining in the sun

it’s fucking cold. i don’t if you are from someplace colder than me or someplace warmer; take your slide rule and think about how cold it is for you where you are when you are cold and then apply that to me and that’s how cold i am. fucking cold. but because i like you i stopped looking at egotastic.com for a few to write shit.

the question was brought to me today, and sent me on a spiral of thought, and so i bring it to you in hopes that your face melts and your head explodes – the question was ‘what would you do if a snowman came to life in front of you’?

my answer was ‘probably be fucking frightened and run away’, since a fucking snowman has come to life. but this took on a new thought – what if you could just run up to this asshole snowman that thinks he is awesome and unique and not a godless abomination and remove his hat so he turned back into cold water and then used the power of the hat to bring any kind of snow to life?

my first thought of course would be to sculpt a snow woman and have sex with it. this is the obvious answer of course and naturally it would quickly melt and you would just be left with that magic hat. since the technology is not past it working with only snow, we must go back outside.

my second thought would be to build a snow car, then a snow jet. of course, the hat would need to be firmly secured on the dashboard or the passenger seat, since if it flew out the window its magic properties would end and physics would take over resulting in you hitting the now stationary cold snow at the speed you were traveling. snow rash cannot feel good.

at one point my mind went back to that poor snowman i stole the magic hat from. he probably wasn’t that bad a guy, and not only did i steal from him, but i kind of murdered him as well. that’s not really nice, and tho he probably won’t reveal to me how he got that hat (probably from some blind old chinese guy in a basement) i should still let him come back to life a little. so before he melts i would bring him back to life and let him have some fun as my snow slave, shoveling the remains of all his unique family members, and of course, pretending to be a regular snowman as i bring my friends by and then scaring the shit out of them.

soon i began to think deeper about this. given the hat magic’s properties state that whatever this hat is put up becomes real (a snowman can become alive even tho it has no muscles or organs or circulatory or nervous systems – its still just snow) – it really isnt in the sculpting of the thing you put the hat on, its what you will it to be. therefore the limits to what can be done with magic snowman hat technology has no end. if you made a snow tube and said it was a snow teleportation device, it would be. tho you may need another hat for the other side. snow guns, snow disease curing machines, snow spaceships, snow limbs, snow heat. perhaps even a snow magic snowman hat making machine.

perhaps i will be able to make snow motivation.

xoxo jabby

i hate toppings. i hate the word. i hate the way it’s spelled, and i hate the way it sounds. its the kind of word you give to something you want to punch. i like putting food on top of other food; a great idea for someone with a stomach like mine that would like to accept all the food it comes near and then has me doubled over on my toilet time machine, the shotty porcelin metron chair that rockets me twenty minutes into the future as i go uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg. toppings is the kind of word some asshole has for a name. i drew a quick sketch of what i think this asshole toppings looks like.

if i see this jerk im going to sock him.