World Cocoon

i came back from tv shopping yesterday with a new tv! who knew. i only have to live on 6 dollars for 5 days. this will not work out, i can tell you this now. at 5 tomorrow i will be eating 5 dollars worth of taco bell and the rest of the week i will be licking old taco bell wrappers and picking dry cat food from my cat’s whiskers for a snack.

speaking of, as i came home with my much lighter than my last tv tv, i noticed something…that’s right, weird, all over my snowy blanketed lawn. i do not know what it is, but i do love guessing games, so have fun and guess away. now, this stuff was all over the front yard. at first it looked like it was a trail from my door to the driveway, but as i looked around it kind of went in every direction, like an exploded blue jay trying to trick someone into following it. it was red, and it was meaty, and it freaked me out. i went in to find my cat and couldnt find him which freaked me out more, but the asshole was just hiding under my bed. jerk. anyway here’s a pic.

so yeah that stuff was everywhere and still is.

today my boss told me i should do something about my ear hair, which i didnt deny. i cut it often, but as i get older i dont care more often, and listen i never really cared to begin with, so you can imagine. actually, you dont have to imagine, cause i wanted to see and i dont look in mirrors because they remind me that i hate myself.

do you see that thatchy bunny tail coming out of my ear? now imagine what the rest of my body looks like. Sweet dreams!

lets get the first weirdness out of the way – i got a warning from my job for being out too many times. i was out 8 times. this is weird cause i was sure i was out 16 or so. brilliant.

so, from two days ago the weirdness was that z-z-z-zodiac shit that was going around and i fell for it just like everybody else did, except mine stayed the same (taurus, the mighty bull with a large member and excellent verbal skills) so you know the shit was made up by a taurus. awesome.

whats funny is that people were really getting upset about their signs changing, which i thought was, you know, stupid. i mean weird. since its all nonsense anyway. yup, like the people that believe in it i also like to flip open to my shit and read it and go ‘omg thats soooo me i AM a good friend and i will fight back when im up against the wall’  but in the end it all seems like one of those fucking horrible ‘i talk to ghosts your father/grandma/puppy/turtle is here with me’ ; just being general and vague enough to slip by and feed the ego like the trojan horse. theyre like the computer viruses of the brain and the heart, youll just let them in cause you thought it would be a kitten pic but it ends up destroying your hard drive. and so on and other mixed metaphors.

so i figure ill just change my sign anyway. i asked a friend that loves milk to choose a new one for me and she chose libra, which i like because she doesnt realize libra is a comic book character, tho im betting evey sign is the name of a comic book character. whatever. heres my new hororscope –

Keep on going — you are on the right track and you know it. Confidence is growing.

yay! this is so much better! finally.

oh here’s my old taurus one.

Create a new tactic for dealing with your busy days by rearranging your priorities.

these really seem like parts of the same sentence.

after being on stupid facebook five minutes it was obvious what today’s weirdness would be.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20110113/us_yblog_thelookout/earths-wobble-means-your-zodiac-sign-may-be-wrong

the sun came up the other day and dragged the clouds along behind it, signalling another wonderful day.. it went quickly enough without drama or event. i ate burritoes and when i got home the video game i had been waiting for was there waiting for me. it loaded up fine and i played it.

the next day there was a snowstorm. i got off work but still was paid for it. i slept in late drank coffee and ate another burrito. when i got ready to shovel the piles of snow some guys came and did it for some money while i sat playing video games. the day went great. it was the weirdest 2 days ever.

so i’m leaving for work for some reason and to get to work i drive a car so im driving this car i own down the street. my radio is garbage so it stopped working probably so god didnt have to hear people complain that i was listening to drake and enjoying it, which might be true. because of this crappy radio not working i have to drive in silence which lasts about 3 minutes and then i start singing obscenities to myself which lasts until i pull up next to a lip reader. then the fun begins. anyway, silent car equals silence, but for some reason im hearing children scream and a dog barking. this usually doesnt end up turning out well so i look and see a tiny tiny tiny ass dog chasing my car and keeping pace with it. this was that most hardcore fucking mexican dog ive even seen and im glad it didnt totally catch up with me cause it probobly woulda popped my tire before it’s head got crushed. this tiny dog was badass and fast, and got bored with me at the end of the street. it ruled.

oh hey answer a question for me? why do condors look like theyre made out of ball skin?

yessssss my computey is anus.

here’s that comic. i was going to put it up as an excuse me comic but fuck it.

totally worth it, isnt it?

oh, and heres this.

and finally in the weird wtf category, i know i wanted to address the insanity of editing mark twain (after following his wishes that they not publish his autobiography for 100 years). youd think theyd start the eventual overprotecting of americans (free speech anyone? thats the first amendment, right?) with something like this:

i mean geez half of it is right there on the cover.

tom sawyer has been around how long now? if they start fucking with the rush song im gonna be pissed.

i hate to be a usual uri, but if it seems like im mining the work mine for 365 days of weird, its because I SPEND ALL OF MY FUCKING LIFE THERE. so eat it.

anyway i was to post a comic here (a what???) detailing a special individual i met today but i have to find a way to not make it take 10 minutes to load on the page, and not fall asleep. fuck you, sleep wins. you get two tomorrow, and theyre both gonna be work related hahahahahahaha.

today’s journey into weird/not weird is kind of an easy one. not filler, just a no brainer. today i’m going to take the time to share with you few devoted few readers a man known only as east side dave (this is a lie he is also known by his real name). i am nominating this fellow for a shorty (sort of like the twitter awards) in the category of weird (see theres the connection) because it belongs to him. he is not weird in the classical sense, but in a weird beautiful sense. i urge you to vote for him as well via twitter. you can find the rules and stuff HERE. last year he was beaten by some cute chick who was a giraffe or some shit. dont let this happen again!

is what the little girl said, and got all excited when mommy said yes. then she showed her brother, also young, who wanted to see the angels. That poor kid is gonna be soo tortured by his sister.

anyway, you’d think i’d have given up on the weird year, 365 days of weird, but the weirdness will never stop, even if i have to make things seem weirder than they actually are, like finding a strange piece of paper crammed in a shelf.

now if you don’t think that’s weird, as i type this the knicks are beating the spurs. now THATS some fucked up crazy shit.

oh, and i guess also ITS THE END OF THE WORLD!

working in a bookstore is like working in a dusty place that strange people want to wander around. i know everyone has things that are peculiar, things that are strange, but when books are concerned, these inky smelly awesome rectangles are batsignals to the mental. its kind of awesome, sometimes annoying, but mostly interesting.

take today’s customer of the day; an older lady that looked normal on first glance, but then as she passed me lifted her arms up and started mumbling to herself, ‘oooooooh, oooooooooh’.

i drew a picture of her on my break.